So, I've debated over posting this for some time now...but tonight Tatum is sleeping and Michael is at a meeting....and I can't stop thinking about it. I am going to be pretty raw here because I have to. I'm not even sure who will read, I just need to journal what is going on in my heart and has been for a while.
I gave my life to Christ when I was 9 years old. In that moment, I was saved by grace, through faith. Following my decision to follow Christ I found myself getting very wrapped up in the do's and don'ts of life (legalism). I had some things happening in my family that were pretty tough and wanted to make sure our "image" at church was not hurt. I did everything in my own power to make sure everyone thought I had it all together. I wanted my reputation to be the "good Christian" girl. I really struggled because in my heart, I wanted to passionately desire Christ, but all I could find myself doing was checking things off the list.
Fast forward to college. God led me to Texas Tech and really got ahold of my heart. I learned what it meant to be a disciple of Christ. I had amazing women in my life like Janis and Melissa who discipled me. I had incredible roommates who walked with Christ in front of me. I learned. I grew. I felt passionate in my love for Christ. I felt hungry. I am humbled that God would even, in His grace, place such incredible people in my life to spur me on and challenge me....people who weren't afraid to ask me tough questions. In all the struggles I shared, I don't even know that I ever came to a place of confessing and admitting that I really struggle to be completely "real."
So why do I share this? I have had an excessively long dry season in my walk with the Lord. I have let the enemy completely convince me that if I read the Word, it's just me trying to check it off the list and if that's the motive then I just shouldn't do it. What a lie! I am tired of having conviction and not acting on it. I am tired of seeing Michael in the Word every day and just thinking, "must be nice that he has time for that." I have let the enemy convince me that I don't have time and if I don't have enough time, I might as well just not get in the Word. In the past 5 months I have become a mom and a pastor's wife. These are both areas where my struggle to be totally real will be even harder.
So, in all of this rambling...what is my point? I want to be real. Transparent. I desire to know Christ. I desire to study His Word. I will not let the enemy have victory over me in this area. So, here it is, real me...admitting that I have kind of stunk for a while. I am don't want to be dry. I feel like I don't even know where to start...but I know I have to start somewhere...