A Christmas to Remember

Where do I ever begin with this post?

On December 2nd Michael and I went to our first appointment with a fertility specialist. We absolutely loved this Dr. and the entire office staff. They were so incredibly kind and supportive. We left the appointment that day with so much peace and with a plan. The plan was to come in on my 3rd day of my next cycle to get some more blood work done. Then, in January we would do our first cycle of Clomid and IUI. I was not on Clomid this cycle. We were excited, but nervous too about the upcoming decisions and procedures. During the appointment, the Dr. did an ultrasound to check my uterus and ovaries. I jokingly said, "there's not a baby in there is there?" She confirmed that in fact there was not a baby in my uterus. Even though we heard that I was not pregnant once again at that appointment, we still had an overwhelming amount of peace. It wasn't the typically reaction upon finding out that yet again, this was not the month. Just peace, that's the only way I can describe it.

So, we would wait...wait for my cycle to start so I could go in for my blood work and start our "plan" of action! So we waited....and waited....and waited....and nothing....a day late....a few days late....

When you suffer from infertility, this is a tough place to be because there have been months where I've had no period at all so this was nothing too abnormal. I had a strange feeling about this time though. I didn't test until I was about a week late because the hope that I may be pregnant is more fun than testing to find out that I'm not...

Friday after work I went to the store and bought a test...the digital kind that says the words, "not pregnant" or "pregnant" on them. I couldn't even wait until Michael was home from school. I tested when I got home from the store. At first I just couldn't look at it. Finally I looked and could not believe when I saw the word "PREGNANT." I immediately began trembling and crying and praising the Lord. I kept going back to look at the test to make sure the word "not" didn't show up later! I couldn't even wait until Michael walked in the door, I had to call him. Luckily he was on his way home! A few hours after he got home I tested again and had another positive test. We cried lots of tears of joy and just began praising the faithful God who we serve who hears our prayers. He is a God of miracles! We are so thankful for all of the people who have gone to battle for us in this long journey. We pray now for a healthy baby who will grow up to love Jesus! We pray that He will use our story to give hope and comfort to others and that He can use us to minister to those who go through infertility.

Our miracle baby McCracken will make his/her debut in August! We are so blessed! For this child we have prayed! Nothing is impossible with Him! Praise Jesus!

Hope and Rest

"My soul finds rest in God alone; my salvation comes from him. He alone is my rock and my salvation; he is my fortress, I will never be shaken." Psalm 62:1-2

"Find rest, O my soul, in God alone; my hope comes from him." Psalm 62:5

The word for hope used in the Old Testament was painting the picture of a shepherd tending his flocks looking for water. The word referred to a reservoir of water. A reservoir...more than enough water...not just a pond or a small lake....enough....more than enough!

The word for hope used in the New Testament means constant expectation for something good! "My hope comes from Him." He is my reservoir of water...more than enough. I will wait in constant expectation for something good. Oh, Jesus, thanks for reminding me of this truth about You.

Thanksgiving and Appointment

I am sitting here typing this post from my parent's house in Ennis, Tx. Yesterday we celebrated Thanksgiving with my mom and dad, my sister, my brother, his wife, and their two beautiful kids. My sister came in from North Carolina and my brother and his family were in from Ft. Hood. I am so thankful that we were all together as a family. Since my brother was deployed over Thanksgiving last year, it has been like 2 years since we were all together. I am not only thankful that we were able to spend Thanksgiving together as a family, I am also thankful that after all my family has endured, we are physically and emotionally able to be together during the holidays. This Thanksgiving, there was no drama, which I prayed hard for! It sounds silly, but it is a huge God-thing that we had a peaceful day together. I am so thankful. I am so thankful that God is restoring relationships in my family. I am so thankful that He continues to work in my dad's life as he recovers from years of alcoholism. I am so thankful.

Wednesday is a big day for Michael and I. We will go to Reproductive Medicine Associates in San Antonio to meet Dr. Hudson for the first time. She is a reproductive endocrinologist...AKA a fertility specialist. We will have our first appointment with her because my Ob/gyn did not want to keep me on Clomid any longer. She said that she wasn't sure why I still wasn't pregnant since I did so well on the Clomid, so she wanted to send me to a specialist. I am thankful for her pro-active way of handling my situation. We will meet with Dr. Hudson and her team on Wednesday at 1:30. We are praying for wisdom and guidance as we make decisions that will affect our future family. We are full of hope and are excited to take this next step. There are definitely days that I throw my "it's not fair" and "why us?" tantrums, but the God of peace and hope just reassures me in my soul that He is in control and He is faithful, good and unchanging. He is true to His promises and He has put a desire in my heart to be a mom...He will come through. I am reading a book right now written by 2 women who struggled with infertility for years and they made the statement that "in the battle of infertility, you will win." They talk about how if you want to be parents, it will happen....it may not be the way you always thought it would happen, but you can have a family. I felt the Lord reassuring my heart as I read that. He is big enough to perform this miracle. He is big enough and His plans are perfect. Oh, Lord, help me see beyond they way I've always wanted things to be.
Once again, thank you so much for praying!

Fear

Well, it's not the month again. I go to the doctor on November 23rd to discuss next steps. This has been a tough one this month. Every month is disappointing, but for some reason this month was really emotional for me. We are needing our prayer warriors in a major way! I feel like the root of the pain is fear, which I know is sin! It's painful every month to find out I'm not pregnant again...over 24 months now of disappointment...but I think the hardest part is when I let fear creep in to my heart. The fear of the "what ifs?" What if I never am able to have kids, what if it's 5 years from now...which right now seems like if it takes that long, I'll be in a psych ward somewhere! So, if you need something specific to pray for, you can pray that we will not let fear take hold of our hearts. Pray that when we wonder "what if," we will remember that God knows and even if I never conceive, we will still praise Him.

I'm constantly reminded of His grace and love for me. I am constantly thankful for my greatest earthly blessing in Michael, who has been amazing through all of this. I am praying that I will use this time to draw closer to Him. I pray that I can be used someday to help women who go through the same thing. Oh, Lord, forgive me for fearing and not trusting. Help me see beyond the here and now.

I was able to go to Denton this weekend for a wedding of a girl I grew up with. It was so fun to spend time with good friends. I stayed with my best friend in the whole world and we stayed up way too late both nights talking and talking. It was refreshing! God is good!

Good Results

Dr.'s office called Thursday to give me my blood test results. I ovulated again this month. I have now on all 3 rounds of Clomid. My progesterone is 51, which is the highest it's been so far. This is good news once again! Pray that this is the month!

The nurse said that if I don't have a positive pregnancy test this month, my doctor does not want to keep me on Clomid. She wants to refer me to a fertility specialist. This brings about a whole new set of decisions. Pray for wisdom for Michael and I as we decide what our next steps should be. We cannot thank you all enough for your prayers! We are humbled and so grateful!

Please let me know how we can be praying for you! :)

Pictures

Here are so pics from Halloween (teenage skaters!), hanging out with the Barfields, and the Spurs game. Fun times! Check out Michael's "skinny jeans!"

Haha!

Fall Fun!

I love fall! I love the cooler weather and I love that it gets lighter earlier! I love that there are Christmas decorations in stores already and that Thanksgiving is not too far away! We have had a lot of fun already this fall!

A couple of weeks ago, we had to say good-bye to Michael's sister and her sweet family. They moved back to Houston after living in S.A. for the past year! What an amazing year we have had with them. We had so much fun this past year watching Warren's football and basketball games, playing apples-to-apples, having Warren and Grace spend the night, Thursday night get-togethers and many weekend hangouts...we have loved having them here! Julie is not just my sister-in-law, but has become one of my dearest friends. We can't wait to visit you Barfields! We love you and miss you like crazy!

Michael and I had a chance to get away last weekend for the first time in a long time. This was Michael's first Sunday to miss in like 2 years! We went to Austin and stayed at a Bed and Breakfast for the first time. Saturday night we stayed in a hotel in Austin and went to the Austin Stone on Sunday morning. It was so relaxing and refreshing. We had such a great time with each other. It was so nice just to be away and rest with all that's been going on lately.

We had a costume party last week for the youth at our church and for the young adults! Michael and I decided to dress up as "skater teenagers!" The kids really thought it was funny! Who knew I would get old enough to dress as a teenager for Halloween! (I definitely could've passed for a 14 year old!...can normally anyway!) We had a blast at both parties and are reminded constantly of how much we adore the people in our church family!

The Lord has really been working on my heart lately. I feel like He has been pulling out so many ugly things that I have had in my heart. He is bringing them to light and I don't like staring them in the face, but I'm so thankful that He loves me so much to not leave me the way I am. I so desire to be consumed by Him instead of all the other things that I allow to consume me. I'm still working on my prayer life...praying with believing...even in miracles!!! He is who He says He is, He can do what He says He can do, I am who He says I am, His word is alive and active, and I can do all things through Him....believing Him!

Trying to post pics....it's not working...I'll have to do this later! Pics coming soon!