Fear

Well, it's not the month again. I go to the doctor on November 23rd to discuss next steps. This has been a tough one this month. Every month is disappointing, but for some reason this month was really emotional for me. We are needing our prayer warriors in a major way! I feel like the root of the pain is fear, which I know is sin! It's painful every month to find out I'm not pregnant again...over 24 months now of disappointment...but I think the hardest part is when I let fear creep in to my heart. The fear of the "what ifs?" What if I never am able to have kids, what if it's 5 years from now...which right now seems like if it takes that long, I'll be in a psych ward somewhere! So, if you need something specific to pray for, you can pray that we will not let fear take hold of our hearts. Pray that when we wonder "what if," we will remember that God knows and even if I never conceive, we will still praise Him.

I'm constantly reminded of His grace and love for me. I am constantly thankful for my greatest earthly blessing in Michael, who has been amazing through all of this. I am praying that I will use this time to draw closer to Him. I pray that I can be used someday to help women who go through the same thing. Oh, Lord, forgive me for fearing and not trusting. Help me see beyond the here and now.

I was able to go to Denton this weekend for a wedding of a girl I grew up with. It was so fun to spend time with good friends. I stayed with my best friend in the whole world and we stayed up way too late both nights talking and talking. It was refreshing! God is good!

Good Results

Dr.'s office called Thursday to give me my blood test results. I ovulated again this month. I have now on all 3 rounds of Clomid. My progesterone is 51, which is the highest it's been so far. This is good news once again! Pray that this is the month!

The nurse said that if I don't have a positive pregnancy test this month, my doctor does not want to keep me on Clomid. She wants to refer me to a fertility specialist. This brings about a whole new set of decisions. Pray for wisdom for Michael and I as we decide what our next steps should be. We cannot thank you all enough for your prayers! We are humbled and so grateful!

Please let me know how we can be praying for you! :)

Pictures

Here are so pics from Halloween (teenage skaters!), hanging out with the Barfields, and the Spurs game. Fun times! Check out Michael's "skinny jeans!"

Haha!

Fall Fun!

I love fall! I love the cooler weather and I love that it gets lighter earlier! I love that there are Christmas decorations in stores already and that Thanksgiving is not too far away! We have had a lot of fun already this fall!

A couple of weeks ago, we had to say good-bye to Michael's sister and her sweet family. They moved back to Houston after living in S.A. for the past year! What an amazing year we have had with them. We had so much fun this past year watching Warren's football and basketball games, playing apples-to-apples, having Warren and Grace spend the night, Thursday night get-togethers and many weekend hangouts...we have loved having them here! Julie is not just my sister-in-law, but has become one of my dearest friends. We can't wait to visit you Barfields! We love you and miss you like crazy!

Michael and I had a chance to get away last weekend for the first time in a long time. This was Michael's first Sunday to miss in like 2 years! We went to Austin and stayed at a Bed and Breakfast for the first time. Saturday night we stayed in a hotel in Austin and went to the Austin Stone on Sunday morning. It was so relaxing and refreshing. We had such a great time with each other. It was so nice just to be away and rest with all that's been going on lately.

We had a costume party last week for the youth at our church and for the young adults! Michael and I decided to dress up as "skater teenagers!" The kids really thought it was funny! Who knew I would get old enough to dress as a teenager for Halloween! (I definitely could've passed for a 14 year old!...can normally anyway!) We had a blast at both parties and are reminded constantly of how much we adore the people in our church family!

The Lord has really been working on my heart lately. I feel like He has been pulling out so many ugly things that I have had in my heart. He is bringing them to light and I don't like staring them in the face, but I'm so thankful that He loves me so much to not leave me the way I am. I so desire to be consumed by Him instead of all the other things that I allow to consume me. I'm still working on my prayer life...praying with believing...even in miracles!!! He is who He says He is, He can do what He says He can do, I am who He says I am, His word is alive and active, and I can do all things through Him....believing Him!

Trying to post pics....it's not working...I'll have to do this later! Pics coming soon!

Round 3

I'm actually not going to blog about a boxing or wrestling match! I am starting round 3 of Clomid on Saturday. This past Friday I received a call from my doctor's office that my blood work looked really great! I had ovulated this month and my progesterone was a 40, which was doubled from last month. We were sooooo excited! The nurse told me that I shouldn't need a 3rd round of Clomid. Every time Michael walked by me he touched my stomach. He was so excited! I tested on Sunday and had a negative pregnancy test. In the back of my mind, I didn't believe it! I justified it by thinking maybe it was too soon to test. Well, I'm definitely not pregnant this month. We are sad, we are grieving and hurting....BUT we know that He has great plans for us! I am convicted lately because I've been doing a lot of praying, but am I praying with belief? Am I really praying in expectation that God does hear and answer? Am I praying fully trusting and believing that He is faithful? I want to be a believing prayer warrior! I don't want to doubt! Oh Lord, in our sadness, don't let us doubt, for You are faithful!

I feel like some day I will look back at this online journal and share it with my son or daughter about our journey so I decided to start writing to him/her.

Future baby McCracken!,

I want you to know how much we want you. I want you to know that we are longing and praying on our knees for you. I can't wait for you to grow in my tummy, even if you make me throw up every single day! I can't wait to feel you move and kick. I can't wait to buy you sweet baby clothes and toys! I am so excited about giving you a name. I am so excited about teaching you about Jesus. You are going to be a miracle baby! You are going to remind us of His faithfulness and goodness and mercy. How sweet it will be to finally hear those words, "you're pregnant!" We will love you so much! We can't wait to hold you in our arms! We can't wait to meet you!

I cannot say thank you enough to our prayer warriors. We know so many of you are praying for us and we are so incredibly humbled and thankful. Next blog, pictures of something not associated with Clomid, or negative pregnancy tests.....promise! :)

Enough

Jesus is!

"The Lord is exalted over all the nations, his glory above the heavens. Who is like the Lord our God, the One who sits enthroned on high, who stoops down to look on the heavens and the earth? He raises the poor from the dust and lifts the needy from the ash heap; he seats them with princes, with the princes of their people. He settles the barren woman in her home as a happy mother of children.

Praise the LORD."

Psalm 113:4-9

Clinging to the hope and promise of this Scripture in these months and days.

Disturb Us

Disturb us, Lord, when

We are too well pleased with ourselves,

When our dreams have come true

Because we have dreamed too little,

When we arrived safely

Because we sailed too close to the shore.

Disturb us, Lord, when

With the abundance of things we possess

We have lost our thirst

For the waters of life;

Having fallen in love with life,

We have ceased to dream of eternity

And in our efforts to build a new earth,

We have allowed our vision

Of the new Heaven to dim.

Disturb us, Lord, to dare more boldly,

To venture on wider seas

Where storms will show your mastery;

Where losing sight of land,

We shall find the stars.

We ask You to push back

The horizons of our hopes;

And to push into the future

In strength, courage, hope, and love.

[Sir Francis Drake]